i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
