You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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