who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
