Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
