You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
