Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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