New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
His hands were made for my vagina.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
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