Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
