rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I just got carded by a ten year old.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Randomize
