Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
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