I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
