By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
