i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
The best revenge is premature balding
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
