You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
