Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
