Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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