Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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