Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
