how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
