He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
