Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
