hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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