Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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