Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
