don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Randomize
