I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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