i was born a porn star she said
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
