Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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