I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
