i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
