Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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