Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Someone came in the potted fern
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Randomize
