And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
