I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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