Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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