corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
