if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You're a waste of cheezeits
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
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