it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
