Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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