FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
