I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
