omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize