I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
