just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
