I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
