I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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