I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
