You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She bit a glass in half.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
