Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
