fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
