I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Randomize
