why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
