NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
