If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm too high and old for this...
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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