A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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