theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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