New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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