My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
