I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
