I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
