Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
