I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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