found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
