either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
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