I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize