i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Panties = found
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
