is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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