Duck Duck Cougar?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
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