I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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