working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
