Kiss
Puke
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
