So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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