I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I think pants incapable of making pants work
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
