I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
