So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
