I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
