that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
