i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
