Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize