I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
